Saturday, December 1, 2007

Spinning, spinning...

Do you know what a coin funnel is?

I used to see them occasionally at malls, huge funnels that you can toss your coins into. You get a quarter started at the top, and watch it make slow, looping circles. As it begins to descend through the funnel, it spins faster and faster into a vibrating hum until it finally drops through the hole at the bottom. Even as an adult, I can't help but watch, mesmerized, as the coin makes it final descent.

(If my description leaves you unsatisfied, click here for a video clip of the thing.)

Sometimes I feel as if my brain approaches thoughts the same way. I may come across an idea in something I read, or have a memorable conversation with someone, and it's as if a quarter has been set in motion.

Perhaps a week later, the same topic comes up in another article, a sermon illustration, a different conversation. The quarter is picking up some speed. Now, it's got my attention. Perhaps its a new idea to explore, or a problem to solve.

Then suddenly, it's everywhere at once. I've had several conversations, I've thought it through. I'm ready to move on. I'm no longer interested, I'm annoyed. Tired of talking, tired of thinking. The quarter is spinning so fast I can't even focus on it anymore. I couldn't catch it if I tried. All one can do is wait for it to run its course.

This is where I am now. My mind is buzzing, and I'm desperately tired of it. Depression, relationships, identity, disappointments, hope. My place in the world, and among the people who inhabit it. Spinning, spinning, no rest, no peace. I try to slow down, but I don't feel refreshed, just behind.

I both envy and disdain people who can shelve their struggles in the depths of their subconscious; then I feel guilty for good measure. That just wouldn't work for me, anwyays. I need something more real, more final. An epiphany, perhaps. Springtime of the soul. A new week. I don't know.

What I do recognize is that the peace I seek, true peace, won't be found outside the loving arms of my Father. He will hold me, He will guide me, He will help me make the best sense I can of this crazy world. I must remind myself that I'm not alone; He is with me and He understands. This is something I can hold on to and accept.


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