Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

Saturday, January 9, 2016

World Race Reflections - Abandon

January 7th, 2016, was the ten year anniversary of the start of the World Race.  It has been ten years now since we sold our house, ten years since we sold half our belongings and put the rest in storage, ten years since our steps of faith took us onto a plane and all the way around the world to serve God in new and unknown places.

Milestones are important to me, and the realization that ten years have passed has stirred up a myriad of memories.  I am planning to take some time over the next year reflecting and sharing what the trip has meant to me, now that the highs and lows of the trip have had the opportunity to mellow and marinate in the context of life back at home.
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One of the most life-changing aspects of the trip took place before we even packed our bags.

It had been easy enough to complete the online application, but when it came time to click “submit”, I hesitated. Was I actually willing to go through with something like this? If we were accepted onto the trip, could I actually walk away from my home, my church family, my friends, for a year of the unknown? I had to ask myself, “Am I willing to say YES to God, no matter what He asks of me?” 

That was my moment of abandon, and in retrospect, I realize it was a turning point in my faith. The answer was yes. It had to be yes. Yes to God. Yes to faith. Yes to the unknown. At the time, I had no idea how high the cost of that abandon would eventually be (and, thank goodness for that). But neither did I have any idea how much peace and freedom I would ultimately experience by laying down my life into God's hands. 

I look back now upon multiple wrestling matches that I had had with God, knowing what He wanted of me and trying to decide how I would respond. Those little submissions were wretchedly painful! But once the question had been answered, once and for all, the need for wrestling ended and my soul flooded with peace. That is not to say I never struggle, but the question now is, “What is God's will?', more than, “How will I respond to what I know God is asking me to do?” 


A wise Christian woman once quipped to me, “God is not looking for committed Christians; He is looking for submitted Christians.” I don't know if God loves pithy quotes, but I do know that the more of myself I entrust to Him, the more freedom and joy I find in being fully myself – the me that He created me to be.  When the hard times come (and oh, they still do), I am assured that I am standing on a firm foundation, and not only that God wants to fulfill His plans and purpose in my life, but that I can be an active part of the process.  


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Life these days...

Hi friends, I've gotten the hint that a few of you may be interested in an update on us Westons. I'm home sick from work today, too ill to do my job, cough cough, but not too incapacitated to write, so hopefully this will work out well!

By now most of you know that we are living in Sacramento and Gary is doing full time school. We made the move at the end of last October, after four months of house hunting in the Sacramento area. The timing aligned fairly well: our housing in Concord was no longer available, Molly was heading out on her mission trip, and Gary's fall semester was starting up at the Sacramento campus of Western Seminary.

We found a home in the Natomas area that looked like a great deal - unfortunately we were outbid in cash and had to start the search over. We ended up purchasing a 2 bed 2 bath home, also in Natomas. What with the housing market crash, combined with our saved down payment, our mortgage is less than half of what we were paying for our first home. That is definitely a blessing while Gary is in full time school! We're probably a couple of miles from the apartment that was our first newlywed home, and the house we had owned prior to the World Race. We are adjusting to the smaller living quarters and looking forward to summertime BBQs on the gorgeous back patio. I just last weekend unpacked the last box in the house - a victory in and of itself! (Our garage will be the next project to tackle...) Our Shih Tzu, Billy, has a chair set up by the front window where he loves to lay and watch the neighborhood goings-on. We are walking distance from the power line easement that runs through the neighborhood, and it's got a good paved trail that is perfect for walking the dog on good weather days. We have met several of our neighbors and are developing some good relationships. The neighborhood is incredibly diverse, which I love, and most of the residents have been here over ten years.

We have found a church in the area that we've been attending: Gateway Fellowship, pastored by Mike Phillips, which has been a good place for us to land and get involved. Gary and I have been enjoying a Sunday afternoon adult small group, led by the pastor, and Molly has been getting involved with the thriving young adult ministry. A fun fact for us is that Pastor Mike had been close to our former pastor, Darrin Sligar, during the Jacob's Well days. In that sense, Gateway feels like extended family that we are just now getting to know. Gateway is a Christian and Missionary Alliance church, with a high priority placed on supporting missions. Another Gateway distinctive is their commitment to the Spanish speaking community. English and Spanish services are held simultaneously, and once a month the two congregations merge to share a powerful time of communion and worship!

Molly continues to be a valuable part of our lives and we feel so blessed to have her in our home. She first moved in with us a year and a half ago for a summer of discipleship, and since then we have grown into a family. She had spent over a year preparing for the mission field and departed last September for missions team training in Mexico. During the training, she had to unexpectedly return home for health reasons, and though she recovered quickly was told by her organization that she would not be allowed to return on that particular trip. Since then, the program she had signed up for has been discontinued.

A career on the mission field, hopefully in Africa, continues to be Molly's passion and goal, and we are praying with her about when, where, and how that will take place. In the meantime, she is optimizing her time at home by studying at a local community college for her EMT Basic certificate. She has been extremely diligent in her studies and is at the top of her class! I am excited for her that once she does return to the mission field, she will be equipped with skills in the medical field that I'm sure will be a blessing to many.

Gary is now in the latter half of his M. Div. degree program through Western Seminary. He is currently studying church history, theology, and evangelism, and at any given moment will be found reading yet another book! With the move back to Sacramento, he's had the opportunity to jump back into a weekly men's breakfast he had participated in five years ago. The group has shifted somewhat, but the core members are going strong! Gary will also soon have the opportunity for some part-time work as the Driver's Training school he worked at in Concord is expanding into the Sacramento region. I know you are all jealous of those high school kids that get to do their training in the bright blue DriversEd.com mini-cooper!

Overall, life feels as if it's whizzing by... It's frustrating at times to still be in the middle of transition and wonder where we will be two years from now, but we are surrounded by so many blessings that I have to just remind myself to keep taking it one day at a time. One thing is for sure, we're not bored!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

2009...what a year!

1) What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Got a job that required my college degree (finally!). Fasted for six days. Attended a sunrise Easter service. Went to an American Idol concert. Moved back to Sacramento. Actively pursued friendships with our neighbors.

2) Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn't really make resolutions so much as goals for the year, and I feel that I was fairly successful. Gary and I went on our first overnight backpacking trip (it was awesome). I've been closer to family, spent a lot more time with them on the phone and in person. I read a lot of books, including completing my through-the-Bible reading plan.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?

Wow... this was indeed the year of babies! Many of our friends brought little bundles of joy into the world this past year. It's been so fun to celebrate with them! And even more are coming next year!

4) Did anyone close to you die?

Bev Roseberry left us this past year. Though I didn't know her as well as some of my friends did, there was no doubt that she'd made a great impact on a great many lives.

5) What countries did you visit?

Does Oregon count? =) I had the joy of setting up a successful Mexico mission for the Fair Oaks Global Outreach team, but wasn't a part of that mission team. We did, however, enlist as leaders for AIM's summer 2010 high school mission trips. Hopefully next summer we will be in Uganda!

6) What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

See previous question: a return to Africa! To get plugged in to a Sacramento church family. Also, a bit of time somewhere to rest and dream would be nice. 2009 was intense!

7) What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

In early January 2009, we were stunned to learn of our imminent departure from the church where Gary had been working as youth pastor. That day was an unfortunate collision with the "business" end of ministry. It also turned the page to a new, healthier, chapter of our lives. So yeah, memorable.

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I am very proud of my return into full time work; I was very apprehensive about the changes this would bring to our lives, but I have done my best and have been blessed in our new situation. The great amount of emotional healing and forgiveness that has occurred this past year has been surprising.

9) Did you suffer illness or injury?

Not physically, though the heartache of the previous year was brought to a climax.

10) What was the best thing you bought?

Our new house! What a joy to return "home" to Sacramento, and to be able to own a home again.

11) Whose behavior merited celebration?

I continue to be blessed, inspired, and challenged by the love and faithfulness that Molly has displayed in numerous situations this past year. Most recently, she brought lunch, warm clothing, and a copy of the Message to a homeless man she had befriended the week before, all of her own accord. She is really living a life of love.

12) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

What can I say here? The life I had was shattered by others' choices. All one can do is grieve the losses and be grateful for the gains I'm discovering.

13) Where did most of your money go?

We invested our savings into the purchase of our new home. Other than that, we've put most of our money into paying off our van, and contributing towards missions.

14) What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Taking a whole week off work, and coming to Minnesota for a White Christmas with Gary's family. Awesome!

15) What songs will always remind you of 2009?

Halo, by Beyonce, and Mad World, by Adam Lambert.

16) Compared to this time last year, are you:

Wiser? Indeed.
Healthier? Emotionally, yes.
Richer? Relationally and experientially... definitely!

17) What do you wish you’d done more of?

Prayed.

18) What do you wish you’d done less of?

Cried.

19) How did you spend Christmas?

With Gary's family in Minnesota. I love them so much!

20) Did you fall in love in 2009?

There's no new love in my life, but better than that, I am falling even more in love with my sweet husband in new ways.

21) What was your favorite blog post that you wrote?

Looking Back on 2008, which this post is based on. I've reflected on that post many times over this past year.

22) What were your favorite TV programs?

America's Next Top Model (still terribly fierce! or should I say, fiercely terrible!), So You Think You Can Dance, and Glee (at least, up until the adulterous season finale).

23) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate? No. I've been deeply disappointed by a few individuals' choices, but that only leads to regret over what might have otherwise been.

24) What was the best book you read?

The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller, and Crazy Love, by Francis Chan, have been thought provoking and potentially life-changing (only time will tell, right?). In terms of fun reading, I finally jumped on the Harry Potter bandwagon and have enjoyed the first novel so far.

25) What was your greatest musical discovery?

This year's season of American Idol was fun, inspiring, and let to great family memories. We took Molly to the concert tour this past summer for her birthday, and had a blast.

26) What did you want and get?

Believe it or not, I got everything I wanted but didn't get last year! (Answers. A coffee bean grinder. Cute brown shoes.) Also, a good camera for pursuing my photography. Plus, a good job, and a home of our own.

27) What did you want and not get?

Honestly, I'm pretty content right now. There are a few things I could use (new winter clothes, home furnishings), but the greatest unfulfilled desire of my heart is to see Molly living out her call on the mission field in Africa. Hopefully God will open the doors for that to happen in 2010.

28) What was your favorite film of this year?

Up, and The Blind Side. Both terrific and inspiring movies.

29) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 32 this year, and celebrated with Gary and Molly by enjoying a fondue dinner at The Melting Pot, followed by picking out my present (an iPod!) at Best Buy.

30) Which celebrity/public figure did you like the most?

I don't know if Francis Chan fits this category, but he is an author/speaker who I have been greatly encouraged by. He is the pastor at my parents' church, Cornerstone Simi, and I listen to his sermon podcasts almost daily. I really identify with his heart to love God with passion, obedience and in truth.

31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

"Social Work Professional". This year, I couldn't dress myself everyday in T-shirts from old youth group camps. I had to save those for the weekends! Turns out I clean up pretty nicely, though!

32) What kept you sane?

My new job. Definitely. It has been so healthy to pour my energy into a job in which I am helping people every day, using and developing my skills, and supporting my family. I never could have predicted how life-giving this would be.

33) Who did you miss?

Friendships through our church that faded away after our/their departure.

34) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Life consists of different seasons, and that's not only ok, but a good thing.

35) What did you gain this year?

Healing. Peace. Confidence.

36) What did you lose this year?

I lost a fair amount of faith in "church", as might be expected. I'm getting ready to try again, though. I also feel that a sense of the youth ministry family was lost through the dissolution of Youth Specialties as we knew it.

37) Who was the best new person you met?

I've met some really cool people through my job this year. For example, one of my clients is a tiny woman with Downs Syndrome who lives on her own, maintains a beautifully clean and homey apartment, works a job, and completely dominates at Special Olympics. She loves her life and always inspires me to just go for it.

38) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

You are the one
Who has saved us
You are the one
Who forgave us
You are the one who has come
And is coming again
To make it alright
Oh, to make it alright
You’re the remedy
Oh, in us
You’re the remedy
-Remedy, David Crowder

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Enough

As it turns out, my return to the working world has not been conducive to my blogging routine (no surprise for any of you, I'm sure). Honestly, these past few months it's been good for me to step back, slow down, and focus on taking it one day at a time.

My new job has been going fantastically well. I've been there almost exactly three months, and I am experiencing more and more days in which I'm not popping into my co-worker's cubicles with multiple questions. I had thought that I would love being a case manager, and so far, I'm right. I just love that I get to help people every day, in such a positive work environment. The past several months, leading up to me starting this job, I had felt more and more restless, as if I were missing something. I feel that God was preparing me then for the big changes in store for us.

Don't get me wrong, I am not without my hard days. I'll have a couple of good weeks, then randomly get hit by a wave of grief and anger that lays me low for a day or so. I'm not a 'stuffer', so I cry it out and trust that healing will come. I have a lot of disappointments in 'church', and it will take me a while before I am ready to fully engage again. Despite all that, God's grace has been abundant, and I feel His presence now more fully than over the past two years. Through His grace, I can withstand whatever He allows to come my way.

It's a bit of a miracle to me to be aware that many changes are headed our direction, but being able to trust totally that He will lead in His own timing. This September, we will be moving, Molly will be headed off to the mission field, and Gary resumes full-time student status at seminary. It's useless to ponder too heavily on what we might be doing two years from now, because what our lives will look like in four months is still a mystery. I'm not saying we're not thinking and talking about what might be, but there's a heavy blanket of peace over the whole process. God knows what lies ahead, and He'll direct us when it's time.

Meanwhile, I'll appreciate the gift of living each day, one day at a time. I'll thank God for my family, my friends, and for the deliciousness of sun on my face cooled by the gentle breeze. I know He is with me, and that is enough.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The End of an Era

My first car was a 1990 Chrysler LeBaron, the four-door, not the coupe, and not that tacky convertible either. This was the grandpa model, with the leather seats, and the digital dashboard, and the power everything.

I bought that car (with considerable help from my mom) my sophomore year in college, and it changed everything. No longer was I stuck on campus. Now, the entire city of Los Angeles (and surrounding communities) opened up to me, a new frontier to be explored.

Now, twelve years later, she’s not the beauty she once was. Upon taking your seat behind the wheel, you find that you are welcomed by the creak of well-worn shocks and struts. If you try to roll down the driver’s side window, it falls into the door. Turn on the radio and you get nothing but static and the the hiss of shorted out speaker wire. That’s assuming the battery isn’t dead entirely.


And while the dust of years spent sitting under the carport blankets the car inside and out (in fact, the word “Bonus” is still clearly visible, written with a finger in the dust of the instrument panel), I still remember another time when chrome gleamed and the world seemed full of adventure.

I gave that car away today. The tow truck from the charity I donated it to has come and gone. The economics of the thing being what they are, it simply made more sense to donate it than to attempt patching it up one more time. Maybe the folks at the charity will get it running again, sell it, and someone else will get to enjoy it as I did.

So today, in loving tribute, I present my Top Five LeBaron Memories.

5. What Parking Meter? -- It was a frosty winter morning in Los Angeles, and my defroster was on the fritz. That year, Jason and I had an on-campus apartment, but my parking garage was off campus with a shuttle running between.

We were returning home from an all-night computer game session at a friend’s neighborhood apartment. (For my younger readers, back in those days, if you wanted to shoot your friends in a virtual deathmatch, you had to have all the computers in the same place and hook them together with a cable. I know, it’s primitive, but it worked for us.) Since we couldn’t very well carry both computers and both monitors with us on the shuttle, we decided to park temporarily in the lot adjacent to our apartment building (the one with parking meters on every stall), unload the computers, and then go park the car.

Everything went perfectly, up until the “going to park the car” part. Because I had no defroster, and because it was winter, the windshield was probably 65-70% fogged up. I could sort of see, but not very well. Being a somewhat impetuous young man, I didn’t see this as a reason to not drive the car over to my garage right away. Unfortunately, while maneuvering out of the lot, I ran right over a parking meter, bending the post it was mounted on to the ground, and leaving a massive impression in my front left quarter panel. Didn’t see it at all.

My friends mocked me mercilessly, especially since I drove professionally at the time.

4. New Years Eve -- I don’t remember the year, nor the exact circumstances, but suffice it to say, I found myself on New Years Eve at about 10:30, trying to get from my house in Lake Elsinore to Katherine’s house in Simi Valley to share a midnight kiss with my lovely and enchanting girlfriend. Ordinarily, this is a two-hour trip. I decided to see if I could make it in an hour and a half.

The freeways were absolutely empty that night, partygoers already settled in at there destination of choice for the turning of the calendar page. And it was a good thing, too, because I was flying. I don’t remember my exact speed, but I do recall looking down at the digital dash, seeing a monochrome number that read “108,” and thinking maybe I should throttle back my 3.8-liter V-6, just a tad.

Amazingly I arrived, safe, sound, and ticket-free with about four minutes to spare. Happy New Year. Smooch!

3. Point Doom -- After an impromptu late-afternoon decision to round up our girlfriends (though they lived counties apart), I found myself in the car with my best friend and roomie Jason, his girlfriend Christi, the lovely Katherine, and our buddy Scott, attempting to navigate backroads through the mountains of Malibu on our way to the beach for a nighttime stroll. I say attempting, because it came pretty obvious pretty quickly that we were lost.

It didn’t take long, driving as we were on a deserted, windy, mountain road in the middle of the night, for our imaginations to run away with us. It occurred to us that this was a great opening sequence for a horror movie. Five college kids get lost on their way to the beach for a midnight stroll, when their car breaks down and they are forced to walk to find help. Little do they know, a knife-wielding maniac lurks in the underbrush, waiting to pick them off, one by one.

We began discussing plot points and assigning character roles. We figured Scott would get killed first, since he was the only one without a girlfriend. Jason and Christi would be the couple who sneaks off to fool around, only to be punished for their indiscretions by the aforementioned knife-wielding maniac, probably wielding a pitchfork or other farm implement by this point in the film. The plot would culminate in my heroic attempt to save Katherine, which would fall dreadfully short, leaving Katherine to deal with the monster on her own. She would concoct a brilliant rouse, dispatch the maniac, and return to her life on campus, where she would go on to date a much better looking, more athletic boyfriend. But she would forever be haunted by the events of that night...

Just as we were really getting into it, laughing and yelling the entire way, we rounded a corner and saw a sign that read, “Point Dume.” Instantly, we had the name for our film, “POINT DOOM!!”

And yes, we eventually found the beach.

2. Dates with Katherine -- In college, our favorite hangout was Burbank. Katherine and I would often head out after an evening of studying or ballroom dancing or whatever to catch a 10:30 or 11:00 movie, then off to the Corral Cafe, an all-night greasy spoon that Burbank cops frequented, so you knew it had to be good. We’d sit there for hours, talking and dreaming together.

Then, somewhere around 3am, we’d head back to campus. Katherine would sit in the middle seat of the big leather bench so she could snuggle close to me as I drove us home. Often, I’d drive a little slower than necessary, just to prolong the moment.

1. Our Wedding Day -- The best day of my life, and my LeBaron was there. It was the chariot that carried my brand new bride and me from our ceremony to our reception, and then later to our bridal suite, and then the next morning to our honeymoon cruise. I laugh when I look at the pictures, taken carefully from the right side of the car so as to hide the gash left behind by that parking meter.

I remember sitting in the backseat on our way to the reception, surrounded by layers of tulle and petticoats, looking into my wife’s eyes, and feeling blessed beyond measure that she would be mine for my whole life.

That day will be ten years ago this Friday. So much has changed since then. And yet, so much remains the same. The car is gone, but I still know that I am blessed beyond measure.

I love you, Katherine. I always will.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Living Eucharist

In Chapter Six of JWTSC (see immediately previous post), Rob Bell and Don Golden talk about the concept of Eucharist.

The word itself comes from the Greek word eucharizomai, meaning thankful or thanksgiving. Literally the word means “to give what is good.” Thus, we can say that what we celebrate in the Eucharist (or the Lord’s Supper, or Communion, or whatever your tradition calls it) is God’s “good gift” to mankind, the gift of Jesus Christ. Through His sacrifice on the cross, God reconciles all of creation to Himself. Jesus’ body was broken and His blood was poured that you and I might reap the benefits of forgiveness and eternal life.

And this is the authors’ intent in talking about Eucharist. As they put it, “For someone to receive, someone has to give...If someone somewhere benefits, then someone somewhere has paid something.” (pg. 149)

Eucharist is about sacrifice. About a good gift that is given, but not without a price.

The Eucharist we celebrate is all about the body of Christ being broken, and the blood of Christ being poured out, for the sake of others. Thus, if we who would call ourselves Christians are truly the body of Christ, then a Christian ought to be “a living Eucharist, allowing her body to be broken and her blood poured out for the healing of the world.” (pg. 150)

That is our calling. That is life in the way of Jesus. Seeking to be broken and poured out for the sake of others. It’s why we still marvel at the lives of Mother Teresa, and Hudson Taylor, and Jim Elliot, and Brother Andrew. They were broken and poured out for God’s glory, and it cost them something. We marvel at these lives because there’s something in us that knows they are what life in Christ is supposed to be.

The problem is, we look at these heroes of the faith and subconsciously we say, “I’m no Mother Teresa. I'm glad she did what she did, but I could never do that, so I’m going to abandon this brokenness thing altogether.”

And that is where we miss the mark. The way of brokenness, the path of descent, is a journey. It is a counter-cultural lifestyle that must be learned and nurtured and mastered over time. It is a day-by-day yielding to the Holy Spirit by which we surrender more and more control over our lives to God, until we have eventually given Him everything. It is then that we will be living the Christian life as it was meant to be lived.

So where to begin this journey of brokenness? The authors raise a couple of questions that are of help here:
The Eucharist is what happens when the question is asked, What does it look like for us to be a Eucharist for these people, here and now?

What does it look like for us to break ourselves open and pour ourselves out for the healing of these people in this time in this place? (pg. 158)
Think about your neighborhood. Your city. Your workplace. Your family. What would it look like to break yourself open and pour yourself out for the healing of others in these places?

Maybe it’s buying some groceries for a neighbor who’s unemployed. Maybe it’s buying those groceries every week until he gets a job.

Maybe it’s having lunch with a coworker you never talk to. Maybe it’s having lunch with them every week until you can call yourself friends.

Maybe it’s giving away everything in your house that you don’t need. Which is probably most everything you own.

Maybe it’s donating your best clothes to Goodwill, instead of giving them your worn out and ill-fitting clothes like we usually do.

Maybe it’s realizing that you have an extra bedroom and offering it to someone who is struggling financially, or maybe just to someone you want to share life with.

Whatever it is, whatever you do, it should cost you something and benefit someone else. If you can do it and not feel the sacrifice of it, it’s not Eucharist. At least, not Eucharist in the way of Christ.

Believe me, living as a Eucharist is as big a challenge to me as it is to anybody. But isn’t it a challenge worth taking? These ideas inspire me, and spur me on to want deeper sacrifices and more selflessness in my own life. Surely, living broken and poured out for the sake of others is not an easy way to live. But it is surely the best way.

Lord Jesus, grant me the strength today to break myself open and pour myself out for someone else. Take my selfishness from me and give me the courage to lay down my life, that others might be healed. I desire to be a Eucharist, just as You are a Eucharist. In Your Name, and for the sake of Your Glory, I pray. Amen.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Jesus Wants to Save Christians


I recently finished reading Rob Bell’s latest book, the provocatively titled, Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile. Co-authored with Don Golden of World Relief, the book traces the history of the nation Israel through four time periods that correspond to the places where they occurred.

Egypt: The place of crying out to God, and experiencing God’s response to that cry, which is salvation.

Sinai: The place of covenant between the nation and God, of new identity and a new way of living.

Jerusalem: The place of distraction, where power corrupts the original vision of what the nation was meant to be, where they lose the thread of their own story.

Babylon: The place of exile, where the nation once again cries out to God and contemplates what comes next.

The authors use this pattern as a launching pad to talk about “the church in exile,” suggesting that we as Jesus followers have lost our own story, that we need to cry out to God for His restoration, and that we are faced with a great opportunity to re-imagine the church, to re-imagine ourselves as the people of God.

In all honesty, I found most of the book to be a bit of a slog. Not that it wasn’t engaging, but more that it seemed not to be going anywhere. But the last chapter and the epilogue blew me away. The rest of the book was simply setting the table for the feast of truthy goodness that was to come.

So I have decided to explore some of the ideas and themes put forth in the final chapter and epilogue, bit by bit, day by day, here on the blog. I do this in part to help solidify my own thinking and response, and in part to put forth these ideas in the hope that they will resonate with others as deeply as they have resonated with me.

The themes are deep and rich: being a living Eucharist to the people around us, seeking to live broken and poured out for the sake of others, discovering a new humanity in our church community, avoiding the dangerous seduction of demographics and marketing, embracing the path of descent as Jesus did, to name a few.

I can’t say how long this examination will last, or that there will be significant insight gained from the experience. None the less, I’m excited for the endeavor.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

We Are But Dust

I came down with a cold last night. Make no mistake, it sucks.

All day today, I’ve felt as though my head were two feet in diameter. I can’t stand up for more than a few seconds without being promptly persuaded that I should sit down before I fall down. I’m sniffling and sneezing, and generally hating life at the moment.

But even illness is not beyond God’s use. As I lay there on the couch, waiting for the room to stop spinning, it occurred to me that this weakness I feel, this diminishment, is a reminder of my frailty and weakness before God, and thus a cause for humility before Him.

Who am I to live as though I could do without Him? I can’t even stand erect.

Who am I to jealously make plans about my future? I can’t even guarantee I’ll wake up in the morning.

In Genesis 18:27, Abraham says that he has “been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes...” And Abraham was absolutely right. We are completely dependent upon God for every day we live, every heartbeat we feel, every breath we draw. It is in Christ that we live and move and have our being, and apart from Him, there is no righteousness, no meaning, no life.

So in my illness, I pray:

Lord, thank you for teaching me that I am but dust. I freely admit my need for you, day-by-day, hour-by-hour. May this malady be a reminder to me of your goodness and grace, that though I am weak, you make me strong in Christ. Heal my body, Lord Jesus, and heal my soul.

For the cause of Your Glory I pray, Amen.
From the hymn,
I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR
by Annie S. Hawks


I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
come quickly and abide, or life is vain.


I need thee, O I need thee;

every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Gathering and Faith Christian Fellowship

We're back from our trip to Portland (more on that later), and I have reports to give on our last two church visits (I'm processing my experiences as a long-time believer, first-time visitor to local churches through the forum of this blog). It's still weird to go to any church but Fair Oaks, but I have enjoyed seeing God work through my brothers and sisters in Christ throughout the area.

Because we planned to leave for Portland first thing Sunday morning, we found a church with a Saturday evening service to attend before we left (thanks Joy for the recommendation!).

The Community Presbyterian Church in Danville recently combined a Saturday service with a church plant, which now meets as "The Gathering" in their multi-purpose room. They've only been meeting about two months, but there were probably a couple hundred people gathered together.

Although the meeting room was basically a large gym, it was obviously well and thoughtfully designed for worship gatherings. Chairs were set up in a horse-shoe around a center stage, enhancing the feel of 'gathering' in community. Curtains behind the stage made a tasteful backdrop as well as providing great acoustics for the worship band (Who expects great sound quality in a gym? I'm telling you, it's possible). Children and youth all had programs running during the meeting time.

The music and speaking were very good, though they felt a bit 'slick' for my tastes. The worship leader made a couple of bizarre jokes that, while not necessarily inappropriate, were distracting from the purpose of worshipping the Lord.

My favorite thing about The Gathering was their clear intention to build community. Part of their meeting was devoted to a 'coffee-break' time to get up, stretch, and connect with other worshippers while grabbing a beverage or snack. And more significantly, they have set their meeting time at 5:00 pm so that people can go straight from the meeting to having dinner together. On the evening we visited, the pastor had set up with a local Italian restaurant to provide coupons for the whole congregation, with the intention of all going out to eat together afterward! Good stuff.

This past Sunday, we headed just down the street to visit Faith Christian Fellowship. We picked an unusual morning to visit, however, due to the Church Without Shoes campaign. (I was surprised to learn, after leaving Fair Oaks, that there are about thirty-five other churches/ministries in the area which have united for mutual focus on spiritual encouragement and devotion; these include the i-lent project, a community-wide celebration of communion, corporate prayer, and this past Sunday, a pastor swap.)

We happened to visit on the week of the Pastor swap, so we were able to enjoy the worship of Faith Christian Fellowship while learning from the teaching of Pastor Russell Belmont of Calvary Baptist Church in Concord.

The church was beautiful, with a nice 'churchy' feel: pews, stained glass, pipe organ. This did not lend a stuffy atmosphere though, because the service was so welcoming and inclusive. I loved seeing multiple youth as part of the worship team (even though the rest of the youth group was on a winter ski trip). There was a special-needs fellowship group listed in the bulletin, a first in my experience. Following the service, a luncheon was held, though we did not attend.

I can't say how much I appreciated the teaching of the visiting pastor. It has been months since I've experienced teaching that has really touched me, where I felt God speaking to me through His word. There was a moment, a short but beautiful moment, in which my heart leapt and I felt a glimmer of hope for my belief in 'church'.

I guess we'll be putting Calvary Baptist on our list of churches to attend in our future!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Church Homeless

And, so it begins.

After last week's farewell, we are now officially church-shoppers. (I say that, because that's the only term I know to use. We're not actually planning on purchasing a church. I suppose the other terms could be church-homeless, church-first-time-visitoring, or seeking a church-forever-family)

We don't expect to settle into a place right away, but are actually looking forward to the opportunity to see what many of the other churches in the area are doing (especially from a variety of traditions/denominations). I hope to write a little something from each of our visits. (I'm including a couple website pics here, to give you a feel for things)

In any case, this morning, the hubbo and I went to visit a new place of worship. Today, we went to a church called The Creek, a congregation that Hillside Covenant planted about ten years ago. We had been invited by friends, and it was nice to see familiar faces when we walked through the doors.

I appreciated that the greeters were friendly and helpful, but not obnoxious. When things got started, we climbed the stairs to enter the theater where the service is held (the church meets in a local high school). It was a cool location, though not necessarily conducive to a sense of community - you really can't see anyone you're worshipping with, besides whoever happens to be onstage.

I really liked the atmosphere - comfortable, friendly, respectful. The services (as well as their plans for the year) are obviously well thought-through, with many elements that create a meaningful whole. I knew about half of the worship songs (the ones I knew were mostly Crowder, yay!) and really enjoyed the drumming of the djembe player (I think he's from Ghana? ), but due to either poor acoustics or low participation I didn't hear anyone from the 'audience' singing.

The pastor was friendly and a good speaker, I thought. He talked a lot about "incarnation", that is, living out the mission of the church in our every day lives. Unfortunately, I missed part of the sermon due to a severe cough attack, when I ran out to get a cough drop and some tea. When I came back, the pastor had brought up a couple people to interview about how they live out their faith in their workplaces. He followed that up with a video clip, and a few applicable verses to keep in mind.

The whole service was very accessible, and really pointed towards identity (both personally and corporately) in Christ. Based on various announcements or reports sprinkled throughout the service, I trust that this is a church that is actively living out their beliefs, and are making a notable impact on their community.

I would definitely be interested in visiting again.

Next Sunday, we'll be driving all day on our way up to Portland, OR. Perhaps we can find a church with a Saturday evening service to visit before we leave. Any recommendations?

Friday, February 6, 2009

Now what?

Thanks to everyone who's responded to my posts on this blog and on facebook.

Many of you have expressed curiousity about what we'll be doing next.

Our plan (as of right now) is for Gary to focus on finishing his seminary education. He's almost halfway through the M. Div. program with Western Seminary. Though he started the coursework several years ago, he's been able to take only one class at a time while working full-time and doing ministry on top of that (not to mention taking a year off to travel the world).

Once he goes back to school full-time, he should be able to finish in about a year and a half. Gary enjoys school quite a bit, and it will be a huge blessing for him to have that done before he gets into ministry again (which we both hope will be in our future, at the right time).

As for me, I'm going back to work to support the family while Gary focuses on school. It's good timing, as I had already been considering the notion of getting a job, for several reasons. And I can definitely see God's hand in this, for He provided me with an amazing job within a couple of weeks of starting to look!

I'll be working as a case manager for the regional center, overseeing the provision of services for individuals with developmental disabilities. The job has great benefits, a beautiful location (Todos Santos Plaza), and I feel that I really hit it off with the supervisor! I start March 2, which means I have the rest of this month to prepare for the transition - get my appointments out of the way, set a new budget, etc.

We are allowed to stay in our home (the parsonage) until September, which means that we've got all summer to figure out our housing before Molly heads off to Africa and Gary starts school in the fall. I'm very thankful for this aspect of stability in our lives right now.

We still have several choices ahead of us, and I don't know yet how all that will come together, but I know that we can take it one step at a time and that's ok.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Breaking the Silence

Ok, time to break the blog silence.

The past month has been extremely chaotic for our family. January 7th, Gary found out that Fair Oaks Church was asking him to resign his position as youth pastor.

This request came from the fact that over the past year, Gary has been fighting depression, and over the past few months that struggle has impacted his effectiveness in ministry. Our church leadership feels that for Gary to step down and focus on beating the depression would be best for him personally and for the ministry as a whole.

At first, I found myself in shock, for I didn't see this coming at all. Over the past few weeks, though, I have found myself grateful for the chance for Gary to be healthy. I believe his depression is beatable, and I am eager to see him enjoy life once more, whatever it takes.

We have received a phenomenal outpouring of love and support from friends and members of the congregation. The number of hugs, encouraging notes, and phone calls has been astounding. We are surrounded by and uplifted in prayer, and I have no doubt that God is continuing to work in our lives in a very real way.

I admire Gary for choosing to be so forthright about his struggles. Depression is not an oft-discussed topic in most churches, which I feel is a shame considering how many people are impacted by it in some way. Since Gary's letter went out to the congregation, countless people have come forward desiring to share their experience of depression in their own or in a loved one's life. I pray that his openness will encourage others in some way.

We appreciate your support and your prayers. We are thankful that through every trial we experience in life, we can know that God is walking us through. We are holding on to the 'peace that transcends understanding', and we know that things are going to be ok.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Looking Back on 2008

I've been looking for a way to process the year that was 2008, so Marko's blog inspired me to post my own take on this survey. This overview helped remind me that though in many ways 2008 was a hard, dark year for me, it was punctuated by many bright spots.

1) What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
-Hiked 28 miles in one month
-Vacationed in Hawaii
-Planned, led, and translated for a youth mission trip without the aid of an organization
-Tried pilates (love it!)
-Photographed a friend's wedding
-Got sucked into a pop-culture phenomenon (thank you, Stephenie Meyer!). Usually I wait until the hype dies down before I venture anywhere near.


2) Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Um, I don't remember making any last year. And I don't plan on making any this year.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! It was fantastic to hold little Nathaniel on the day he was born. (I think I had seven friends give birth this year... crazy!)

4) Did anyone close to you die?
Unfortunately, this was the year we had to say goodbye to Nan.

5) What countries did you visit?
Guatemala.

6) What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Inspiration and passion fully expressed.

7) What date(s) from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 11, Molly graduated high school, and had a (temporarily) paralyzing fall at her graduation night. July 1, we returned to visit our Guatemalan family and church for the first time in 2 1/2 years. Amazing.

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Trusting God and seeing Him work through me to love and mentor Molly like my own daughter. I can't think about it without tears of joy coming to my eyes.

9) Did you suffer illness or injury?
Praise God, I was the healthy one last year. Other than sucky allergies, which I'm just learning to cope with.

10) What was the best thing you bought?
Food for 12-year-old Domingo and his family in Guatemala. Because Domingo required constant attention and care while recovering from a back-breaking fall, his grandfather couldn't go to work and the household was suffering from lack of basic necessities. Best money spent all year.

11) Whose behavior merited celebration?
Spencer, one of our junior highers who of his own accord planned and executed a bake sale to raise money for hungry kids. That kid's my hero.

12) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oh gosh, there's more than a couple who come to mind. No need to name names, though. I have been most saddened by Christians who don't take responsibility for commitments they've made (especially to family).

13) Where did most of your money go?
Rent, giving, and car payments.

14) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Molly and Guatemala. The highlights of my year.

15) What song will always remind you of 2008?
Pocket full of Sunshine - Natasha Beddingfield
A guide to Marine Life - Falling Up
God of this City - Chris Tomlin
Mighty to Save - The Amoeba Singers (Guatemala Team)


16) Compared to this time last year, are you:
Wiser? Only in terms of the sad realities of life.
Healthier? Physically, I might be.
Richer? Relationally, yes!


17) What do you wish you’d done more of?
Invited people over.

18) What do you wish you’d done less of?
Itched (sucky allergies).

19) How did you spend Christmas?
Celebrated over the whole month of December: put up a tree for the first time in four or five years, attended a Christmas musical and a Christmas Eve service at church, then spent the big day opening presents followed by going out to the movies.

20) Did you fall in love in 2008?
Not romantically speaking, but I did grow to love someone very dearly.

21) What was your favorite blog post that you wrote?
"Faithful in the Waiting"

22) What were your favorite TV programs?
30 Rock, Top Model, the Office, American Idol.

23) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't hate anyone.

24) What was the best book you read?
The Irresistible Revolution, by Shane Claiborne.

25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
Captiva by Falling Up, Viva la Vida by Coldplay, and a song called Reign in Us by Starfield. Plus, that special version of "Mighty to Save".

26) What did you want and get?
Resolution in some old hurts. To see Antonio, Cata, and Pedrito again. A church small group with couples our age. Proficiency in playing the guitar.

27) What did you want and not get?
Answers. A coffee bean grinder. Cute brown shoes.

28) What was your favorite film of this year?
Cloverfield. And, Dark Knight didn't suck.

29) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31, and our friends just happened to already have a pizza and game night planned ("Things"). The next night, Molly and Gary cooked me a gourmet birthday dinner.

30) Which celebrity/public figure did you like the most?
I am just fascinated with Angelina Jolie. She is fierce!

31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Learning to love layering. And, wearing out my favorite pair of jeans.

32) What kept you sane?
My triad. I have been blessed with two wonderful godly women that I met with weekly to talk and pray with. They've encouraged me through some rough times.

33) Who did you miss?
A high school friend that stopped returning my calls. I miss her.

34) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Sometimes you have to let a part of yourself die in order to keep another alive.

35) What did you gain this year?
Good memories with new friends, especially involving travel, tri-tip, and Settlers of Catan!

36) What did you lose this year?
My understanding of my life.

37) Who was the best new person you met?
Eric & Yvette (I just can't separate them). I love who they are as people, I am grateful for their friendship, and I can't wait to get to know them even better.

38) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel you by my side
so I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here, and I'm never alone


Here’s to ‘09…

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Max's Thoughts on World Hunger and Poverty

The following is a note from one of our students, a young man in the 10th grade named Max. He is being challenged to really live out his faith in a meaningful way. This is exactly why we do things like the 30 Hour Famine:

So recently (as in since the 30 hour famine at my church), I've been thinking a lot about world hunger and poverty. I feel like I'm finally beginning to comprehend what's really going on everywhere in the world...except here. Because like every year when we're preparing for the 30 hour famine, we just hear over and over "kids die every day of hunger" and "other countries are divided into classes and it's so unfair" and stuff like that. But for some reason, it has really made me think a lot recently.

Like it's just so hypocritical how I can stuff myself on Thanksgiving and say I'm a Christian. Aren't we as Christians supposed to feed the hungry, not just live in our bubble to please ourselves? And I'm just satisfying myself and going beyond what I need in order to be full just because I can. And like every day, I'll look through the cupboards for something to eat, and I'm not even hungry. And whatever I see I usually turn down because "I don't feel like having it right now". If people in, I don't know, Swaziland had all the variety that I had, they would be ecstatic. I just take it all for granted.

And grocery stores. I don't think I realize that I have so much because I'm so used to it. Do I ever wonder when my next meal will come? Do I ever question if the grocery store will be out of food next time I go there?

26,000 children die each day of hunger. That's a child dying every 3 seconds 24/7. And that doesnt't include adults or teenagers. How can I not be thinking about that constantly? Why am I not weeping for those children? Why don't I do something about it?

And just watching television disgusts me. There are all these advertisements for cars and crap like that. So many people around the world couldn't afford that no matter how they tried. And I'm worried that I won't be able to use one of our two cars when I get my license.

And I never wonder how we're going to pay for all our expenses. I know that the money comes from the two and a half solid jobs that my parents have. And we have tons of money leftover for so much extra. What do we mean when we say "money will be tight this month"? We can't go out to eat for a month? So many people around the world live on an incredible amount less than us. What if we just cut some more stuff out? It's so unfair how children in Africa have to go work in the fields at the age of 5. And many girls become prostitutes at 8 or 9 just so they can make money to live. Then that just helps spread HIV.

Then I start thinking: Why was I born in America, the richest country ever? It was only by chance that I happened to be born here. Only 300 million people live here. There were like 200 other countries I could have been born into. I don't think I realize how lucky I am.

So I encourage you guys to think about and pray for the rest of the world. Because we DO live in a big, sheltered bubble. And there's so much bad stuff that we don't even know about in the rest of the world. Realize that we are very blessed indeed and that God will expect us to use the situations he's given us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and tell others about Jesus.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Faithful in the Waiting


So often, I think of my own obedience to God in terms of DOING His will, SERVING Him, ACCOMPLISHING great things for His Kingdom. And, it's just so easy to judge others by what I SEE happening in their lives.

It's in our nature, isn't it, to focus on outer things? It's why we have the cliche "to judge a book by its cover"; it's why Jesus accused the Pharisees of being "white-washed tombs".

But I've found myself in an unfamiliar season of my faith: NOT doing (at least, in my own perspective). I suppose I had a sense of anticipation for this, when I blogged this a couple months ago:

"... I sense that my role in youth ministry is going to have to be more defined and less all-encompassing than it has been in the past. I dread the moments when I am going to have to, at some point, say NO to myself, my students, and worst of all, to my husband. But I don't see a way around that if I'm going to keep myself and my marriage healthy for the long term."

As I prayerfully sought God's direction on my commitments for the year, I was more than a little confused when His overwhelmingly direct response was simply, "WAIT!".

"Wait"? What do you mean by that, God? Shouldn't I be, like, doing something for You? What exactly, am I waiting for?

But, the clarity of this instruction, and the peace that encompassed it, have subdued the questions that have sprung up within me.

So, I'm attempting to teach myself a new way of thinking. I'm reminding myself that I'm just as valuable to God even when I'm not teaching a Bible Study or planning a mission trip. (Oooh, how that irks my productivity-oriented nature!) I am seeking to diligently and patiently listen for His voice. I am making myself more available. To God, to others. I'm trying to not try so hard.

Because, to God, our hearts are even more important than our actions. And my obedience to His instruction to WAIT is more valuable right now than all the self-satisfying things I could come up with to do in His name.

Ultimately, my desire must not be for specific deeds or accomplishments in my life, but faithfulness to my Lord. Even when all He asks me to do is wait.

Friday, October 17, 2008

My Closure to the World Race


Friday afternoon, immediately after the general session at the NYWC in Sacramento, we headed to our separate 'break out' classes. I was thrilled to see that Seth Barnes of Adventures in Missions was in town to share about how "Your Students Can Start Changing the World... Now!".

I'd been looking forward to this session since I'd heard Seth was presenting: for the past three years, he's been a major influence in my life.

In 2005, Gary and I took our youth group to Tijuana for a week-long mission trip with AIM. As part of our preparation, we got a copy of Seth's devotional: "The Art of Listening Prayer". This was the first I'd even considered that prayer could include God speaking to me, and reading that book was nothing short of revolutionary for my spiritual life.

Towards the end of 2005, Adventures in Missions offered a new program called the World Race, and Gary and I felt called to participate in this year-long mission trip. During our team orientation, I finally got to meet Seth (the World Race was his vision and project), and was touched by his ability to listen and connect, even while responding to numerous demands.

When we began our trip, we encountered the various twists and turns that accompany any first time venture. I was eager to debrief and process the experience with Seth first-hand, especially the more difficult and confusing times. Unfortunately, we were not able to reunite throughout the course of the trip, and though we've had some contact over the internet, I've been hopeful to someday sit down with him and just talk.

Well, my chance finally came. Seth noticed me in the middle of his session (I think I threw him for a bit of a loop when he was trying to present!), and took the opportunity to come check in with me during a discussion section. We ended up hanging out talking after everyone left, and Gary and I were able to join Seth and his wife Karen for dinner.

It was great to catch up with him, get to know his wife, and compare stories about what God has done over the past couple years. We talked about the craziness that was the first year of the World Race, what things have evolved over the past couple years as the program has developed, what life is like for us now as well as for other racers.

I had always imagined that this conversation would bring a huge sensation of closure to my World Race experiences. And reflecting back on it now, I think it did and it didn't.

We've been home from the mission field for almost two years now, and probably the whole first year was a journey of forgiveness for the many interpersonal hurts and betrayals we experienced. The second year has been much easier, less of trying to forget the bad, more of remembering the good. We've started to see the fruit of dreams that were born during our time on the Race. I have come to a point of feeling settled in my soul about the whole experience.

So now, in God's timing, we were finally able to sit down and just talk, without any expectations on my end of having to say anything to, or hear anything in particular from Seth. We could just meet each other where we were at and appreciate God's goodness throughout some wild times. And that's a pretty good way to wrap it all up.


Gary and I leaving on the World Race in 2006

Friday, October 10, 2008

NYWC Day #1

I'm sitting in my hotel room, ready for bed and settled in after a great first day at the National Youth Workers Convention in Sacramento.

This is the 6th time Gary and I have attended this convention, and it's always surprisingly refreshing to me how safe and free I feel alongside thousands of other youth workers. So, I come here seeking not just practical training, but spiritual refreshment in the arms of Jesus. Seriously, our joint times of worship are so sweet, I can't help but look forward to heaven.

A major highlight of the day was the exhortational teaching from Bishop Sherwood Carthen on the importance of a wilderness experience in the life of a leader. He referred to Matthew 4:1, which describes Jesus being led by the Spirit into the desert. Jesus' experience there in the desert was not easy: he was extremely hungry while fasting, and the devil showed up to tempt him mercilessly.


How many times do we ourselves experience times of need or frustration, and immediately look to place blame on God or feel sorry for ourselves? Perhaps, like in the life of Jesus, God wants to allow us to experience hard things to prepare us for the ministry he has in store for us ahead. Perhaps God is saying 'wait, I have better things waiting for you, trust me'.

Those of you who know me or have been following this blog are aware that I've been struggling with these feelings of frustration - I really felt challenged during Bishop Sherwood's teaching to obey that still, small voice saying "wait", to embrace brokenness, to trust God, that He has me right where I need to be right now. Only God can work through such a provocative challenge to bring peace.

Thank you, Lord.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Atypically Transparent


I'm at a weird place in my faith.

I've gone to church and loved God as long as I can remember, and as an adult have chosen to actively pursue a deeper faith and a closer, more personal relationship with Him. As part of this process, I've made sincere efforts to cut things out of my life that would get in the way of that, stemming from a desire for simplicity, good stewardship, and a clear focus on things that truly matter.

I've determined not to look for satisfaction in possessions or hobbies, but to enjoy the abundant "life to the full" that Jesus talks about in John 10:10. There's an indescribably sweet sense of purpose and fulfillment that comes with the experience of God working through you. And I learned, while living out of a backpack for a year as a traveling missionary on the World Race, that no creature comfort can compare with that.

There's just one problem. The more I've tried to devote myself to serving Him, the less I've experienced this 'feeling' of abundance, or even contentment, in my life.

My theology says that God should be enough. That He IS enough. Yet, I'm having a lot of trouble reconciling that knowledge with the struggles that I'm facing. Despite my efforts to seek God and spiritual maturity, I feel like I'm missing something, and I don't even know what that thing is!

I have so many thoughts elbowing one another:

- How selfish is it to want to feel content (at peace)? Can I / should I expect that?

- Is this experience right or normal, or, where have I gone wrong?

- Why isn't God answering my questions?

- What if I AM missing something, and in my attempts to find that, make things worse?

- How can I separate loving God from loving to serve God from loving serving God? (that question made sense to me... I hope it does to you too)


Obviously, somewhere among my assumptions, expectations, and choices, I've made a wrong turn. And, like a little girl who's hit a dead end in a maze, I must now backtrack until I encounter a new path to explore.

Ultimately, I trust that God will work through this for some kind of breakthrough. And I will be oh, so much better for it. But in the meantime, I shall continue to lean on Him for strength and patience, and believe that He will fulfill Paul's prayer for the Romans in my life as well:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Friday, August 22, 2008

On My Mind

So, this has turned out to be a month of not much blogging. There's been so much going on it's kind of taken back seat for a while. But not to fear, I haven't given up completely. Just to keep you in the loop, here's just a smidgen of what's been rolling around my mind:

- Hospitals and Doctors: Up until the past couple of months, I haven't spent too much time around them. Now that I am, as an advocate, I've been surprised and disappointed with my experiences. Care providers are happy to help with a symptom, but forget it if you want to discover and treat the cause. I believe I have some squeaky-wheeling in my future. Grr.


- The Shack: A work of fiction that has created such a buzz that I've tried to avoid it. Well, I wasn't able to, and now I am so glad that I finally gave in and read the thing. Once I started, I couldn't stop, and devoured the book in two days. The author creates such a fantastic word picture of a living, breathing relationship with God. I was amazed at what an encouragement I found this book to be. I'd definitely recommend it to anybody, Christian or not, especially those struggling to reconcile God's goodness with the problems and evil in the world. Excellent!


- New neighbors: Eric, the new worship leader at our church, and his wife Yvette, finally found a place of their own here in Concord. For the past six weeks, they've been living out of boxes and dealing with a lengthy commute while looking for the right place. Well, God has provided - they're moving into a house one street down from ours! It's literally a five minute walk from our front door. We are so excited to get to know one another better - what a blessing!

- Billy: I took my little doggy to the vet today for a routine vaccination and when I reviewed his records, realized that he is NINE years old! That came as a little bit of a shock to me, as we've really only spent three years with him. He wasn't a puppy when we adopted him, and we left him with my parents for a year when we went on the world race mission trip. But now, his right eye is getting cloudy, and the vet told me it's a sign of aging. What! Billy can't be getting old. No, no, no.

- The new school year: Yes, I'm excited. Nothing fires me up more than the possibilities in a new beginning. Yet, I sense that my role in youth ministry is going to have to be more defined and less all-encompassing than it has been in the past. I dread the moments when I am going to have to, at some point, say NO to myself, my students, and worst of all, to my husband. But I don't see a way around that if I'm going to keep myself and my marriage healthy for the long term.

I guess it's kind of like planting a garden - you're supposed to plant all the seeds, then uproot all but the strongest so they have room to grow. I'm gonna have to uproot some flowers in my life, and I don't like it. Nope, not one bit. I imagine you can expect many posts along this line as I try and sort things out. Along with related topics such as identity, purpose, calling, faithfulness, discernment, and the meaning of life. Argh. I suppose I thought these things would fall into place as I got older, but the more time goes by, the more complicated it seems.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

End of the Summer

Since my last post, I've been holding down the fort while Gary was gone for a week at the high school camp, then preparing for and running our own junior high camp this past weekend.

We've been running hard this summer, and I am pooped! On one hand, it's been extremely rewarding to pour myself into activities such as the mission trip and youth camp, working hard to see our kids serving and learning more about living out their faith.

On the other, now comes that tricky balance of trying to rest and recharge, take care of some mundane household needs that have been neglected, all while simultaneously anticipating the need to plan and prepare for the kickoff of fall ministries.

As I stand on the verge of a new school year, I want to be deliberate about finding a good balance for life and ministry. I want to improve at preserving my sabbath, building friendships, and developing myself outside of the bubble of youth ministry.

Don't ask me yet how I plan to do this (ha!), but I know it's going to be necessary for me to maintain my sanity as well as the ability to minister to my husband and to the youth. I look forward to seeing what happens!