This just in...

From the front page of today's Contra Costa Times...

Killer squid are here!

Apparently an aggressive species of large squid has expanded it's territory northward from it's South American habitat, and has now taken up residence in nearby Monterey Bay. This undersea hunter is described as:

A mysterious sea creature, up to 7 feet long, weighing up to 100 pounds, with thousands of sharp barbs on its arms. It hunts in packs of hundreds, flying through the water at 25 mph, changing color.

With a parrotlike beak and strong arms, it attacks and tries to eat nearly anything it sees, including fish, scuba divers, even its own kind.

Great, if man-eating sharks weren't enough to make me nervous about taking a dip in the sea, now there are seven-foot-long creatures with strong arms and parrotlike beaks!

Of course, a new predator in our ocean also means new opportunity. The giant squid is now showing up on Monterey Bay restaurant menus.

"A lot of people find it kind of tough and kind of gamy compared to traditional calamari, but I like it," he said. "They make big steaks out of them."

My favorite quote was this:

"You've got this sort of weird species spreading out into areas that it has never really taken up residence before," he said. "It's an indication the overall health of the ocean is not as good as it should be. We need to figure out exactly what is causing this range expansion and find some kind of political or economic solution."

A political solution? I can see it now...

"Excuse me, Mr. Squid. According to our Senate resolution, members of your species are now required to carry a passport to enter American waters. If you don't comply, we may be forced to bring in the U.N."

If it came to that, of course some sort of animal rights activist group may have to jump in...

"They're not illegal, they're just undocumented. The gaminess they bring to our squid steak menu is a diversity that will benefit us all."

(Note to my squid loving readers: these comments are all in jest. Undocumented squid are actually some of my best friends.)